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The List of 50

A FREE booklet on finding your life partner (and finding friends you can be friends with for life!) This booklet is for people who are looking to establish a conscious, thoughtful relationship, without any of the drama of prior relationships.

Here's what one person recently wrote about

The List of 50:

You may not recall, but I met you once a couple of years ago while attending a session with [a client of yours who is a friend of mine] as a quiet witness of your Bodywork. It was quite an intense session, and I was very honoured that she asked me to attend and that you didn't mind my presence. One activity she has shared with me is the infamous List of Fifty. This act of positively exploring my needs and desires was very rewarding. I have shared this idea with many of my friends and family, with many positive results and constructive conversations.

Not surprisingly, this List was a key component in discovering that the person I wished to share my life with was in fact a very close friend of mine. He too completed a list of fifty, and through some soul searching we realized that we were looking for each other. Though neither of us had considered the act of marriage before, the idea of creating a symbolic union naturally appealed to us.

Another wrote:

My friend/professor told me about this and says it has changed her outlook and relationships. An interesting perspective that I would like to read about.

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Here's the first chapter Of The List of 50


This booklet follows hot on the heels of "Building Deep and Lasting Relationships," a source book(let) for the foundations of powerful relationships. In keeping with Star Wars, Episode 1, this booklet is sort of a prequel. The next volume will pick up where Relationships left off and will describe compassionate relationships.

"The List of 50" is a code I use for a project I suggest to clients. Often, following a marriage break-up or a relationship ending, my clients will make two assumptions:

  1. "I’ll never meet anyone, ever again," and
  2. "If I do meet someone, I’m doomed to repeat the mistakes I made the last time."

Against that background I developed the concept of The List of 50.

You’ll remember from "Relationships" that I talked a bit about sexual attraction being the "thing" that gets most relationships going. Equally applying to both men and women, there is an initial meeting of the hormones. Without that initial attraction, it is the rare couple indeed that gets together. (If you haven’t read our free booklet, "Building Deep and Lasting Relationships," you should download it from our web site.)

Most relationships begin, then, as observation leading to hormones leading to dating. Initially, there is little thought about the character, focus, direction and life purpose of our "intended." Indeed, if we consider who the person "is" at all, it is at the level of thinking that any "personality quirks" that turn up can be fixed by asking the person to change. To recap, it’s almost as if we’re saying to ourselves: "Wow, she’s cute. I really like her. I think I’ll ask her out. If there are other things about her I don’t like, she’ll change because she’ll love me" And thus the dance begins.

In the early dating stage, we are on best behaviour. We read the other carefully, for signs, for hints, as to what they want. We attempt to become that kind of person, to provide for their needs, even if it flies in the face of whom we actually are. After six months, the veneer begins to wear off. We start acting more normal; so does our partner. At this point, there is a rush of disappointment. A sense of being lied to. But another dumb little voice kicks in and says, "Oh well, I’ve got six months invested in this relationship, and I may never get another chance, so I’m going to stick around anyway, and just try harder to change him."

From that point on, until they wise up and cut it out, there will be a battle, by one or both persons, to change the other person, to get the other person to behave, to force the other person to be someone they are not. As this battle is a no-win situation, most relationships continue, forever, to be a battle. Or, the parties give up and become apathetic. Or, the partners split.

I spend a lot of time with couples who have followed pretty much this course, and end up in my office, not at the first hint of trouble, but years into the relationship, looking for a way to stop fighting. It is possible to help such couples to learn to respect each other as persons, and to teach them the techniques and reasons for excellent communication (as we discussed in "Relationships,") but the underlying edge, for most of these couples, is this: "This is not the person I should be in relationship with. I love her, but I don’t particularly like her. I’m doing this to stop the fighting, make the best of the situation and gain some energy to get on with the rest of my life." This is a worthwhile and achievable goal.

(Actually, I suspect that more than "making the best of the situation" is possible, and I’ll discuss that in the third volume of this series of booklets. I’m projecting mid October 1999 for release.)

However, I couldn’t help but think that there had to be a way to do all of this differently, especially if I was dealing with a person prior to forming a relationship, or from the place between relationships. I reasoned that hormones will always be with us and will act as a determinant for the kind of people to whom we are attracted. But what, I wondered, would happen if people were intentional about thinking about whom to be in relationship with? What if they decided, in advance, about the communication style they wanted to have, the life focus and direction their partner would work from?

Let me stick in a caveat here: I’m NOT proposing trying to find clones of ourselves. You know, the New Age "Oh God, I’ve found my soul mate" bit. "He thinks like me, with both love tofu, he completes my sentences . . . yada, yada, yada." This is about finding the kind of person I would choose to be in challenging, growthful dialogue with for the rest of my life.

I decided to write this booklet for those of you who are "still looking." What came to me, way back when, was: we get into weird relationships is because we don’t know, have never thought about, what characteristics we are looking for in a partner. We thus meet the people we eventually partner with totally by chance. I developed The List of 50 to counteract our reluctance to think about relationships. After years of working with this technique, both personally and with my clients, I have seen impressive results. I now share this concept with you.

In the next chapter, I want to tell you my personal experience with this idea. From there, we’ll move to other examples, and finally the meat of creating the list — and what you do with it. Lastly, we’ll talk about an extra benefit of the list — using the list also gets you the friends you’re seeking.

Let’s get to it.

Here's How to Receive the Booklet:

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